G'Day fellow tuxers……. Its Bruce your host here once again…….. Its a very sunny Saturday here right now…….…… Spring is starting to kick in…… And Daylight Savings starts here tomorrow….. So I need to wind the clocks forward 1 hour before I go to bed……… Hope I remember…….

Was another quiet week is good…. Means nothing broke…… And means I didnt spend much money…….

Not much to say besides I did work……. Walked the dog…… And played video games…….. And mowed the lawns…...


[+..••] As for gaming this week in Emulationville I played [+..••]

Arcade

Asterix (1992 Konami) - Beat 'em up


Console

Dakar 2: The World's Ultimate Rally (2003 Acclaim) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Racing)
ESPN NFL 2K5 (2004 Sega) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Football)
Madden NFL 2003 (2002 EA Sports) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Football)
NASCAR: Dirt to Daytona (2002 Infogrames) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Racing)
NFL Blitz 2024 (2023 NFL Blitz Resurrection) - Nintnedo 64 - Sports (Football)
Paris-Dakar Rally (2001 Acclaim) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Racing)
Pro Evolution Soccer 6 (2006 Konami) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Soccer)
Rugby 08 (2007 EA Sports) - Sony PlayStation 2 - Sports (Football)
Tecmo Super Bowl 2024 (2023 TecmoBowl.org) - Nintendo Entertainment System - Sports (Football)


PC

Dakar 18 (2018 Bigmoon Entertainment) – Steam (Proton) – Sports (Racing)
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002 Rockstar) – Steam (Proton) - Action


Dick Trickles Racing Career: Part 34
NASCAR Dirt to Daytona: Part 34

Intro music…... Hello and welcome to Left Turn Heaven….. Im Murray Eastlake and today im going to be bringing you all a special off season edition…… This week is the final week before the 2005 racing season starts……

And we have saved the best till last…… This week I sit down with the owner of Dick Trickle Racing…… Dick Trickle…… Dick just missed out winning the championship in his rookie season last year….. Lets find out what he has been up to during the off season…..

*Murray Eastlake walks into Dicks workshop and sits down in the chair opposite to Dick….. Dick is flanked by two cars…… One is the Infogrames Flaming Dick Machine……. The other one is covered by a sheet but it has the distinct outline of a Featherlite Modified Series car…….*

Murray Eastlake: Thank you for allowing us to have this interview with you Dick….. I have it on good authority that you have been very busy this off season……

Dick Trickle: No worries Murray……. And yes ive been flat out like a lizard drinking…… Klipsch pulled out of continuing their primary sponsorship of the car…… So I have had to find a new primary sponsor and thats lots of phone calls and emails and meetings…… You know all that boring stuff I hate doing…… And I managed to find a new primary sponsor that was willing to pay the money I was looking for with the requirement I thought was fair…….

I also made phone calls and emailed secondary sponsors and I have them all sorted but I cant say anything as the current secondary sponsorship contracts dont end until after the first race of the season…… Then and only then can I unveil the secondary sponsorship deals……


Klipsch letter of sponsorship termination


*Dick Trickle stands up and walks over the covered car and pulls back the cover to reveal the primary sponsor for the modified car*

Dick Trickle: Well there it is Murray…… Grinch Performance is the new primary sponsor of the Modified Flaming Dick Machine……. *Dick Trickle pats the roof of the car*


Grinch Performance


Murray Eastlake: Thats great news Dick……. You deserve a top notch sponsor after last season and it sure looks like you have found yourself one alright……..

Dick Trickle: It was a lot of hard work to score the deal but I was able to win them over with my charm and the performance on track last year did not hurt either……..

Murray Eastlake: You took five straight wins last year in the Feather Modified Series and you came so close to winning the championship in your rookie season……. Now that you have had time reflect on that how do you feel about it now???…..

Dick Trickle: Im still pissed Murray…… That should have been my championship….. I got screwed of it mostly by Luis Rivas…… And look what happened to him……….. Anyone who screws me again like that will end up the same way……. Im not a Dick to be played with……. And Luis Rivas found that out the hard way…….

Murray Eastlake: You became a fan favourite last year with not only your on track success but also for your no nonsense personality off the track and not being afraid to stand up to the seasoned veterans in the series…….

Dick Trickle: The fans have been wonderful this year and have been the rock I needed to get me through some of those “incidents” on track……. And im not one to back down and let people walk all over me……. If im getting pushed around I will push back…...

Murray Eastlake: One fan even edited this picture and posted it on the Featherlite Modified Series Myspace page and it has been very popular…… In fact is it the highest rated picture on the page and has the most comments……… With the vast majority of the comments supporting you bringing back the biff……. Standing up for yourself and putting drivers back in their place…….


The edited image a fan posted on Myspace


Dick Trickle: [Laughs] Thats a great photo isnt it……. He really captured my good side…….

Actually speaking of standing up for myself…… As I told you earlier I got a lot of sponsorship offers this off season……. But one really pissed me off…… And im gonna name them and shame them right here…… Right now…… For their total disrespect of ol Dick………

“Big Al’s Moving”…… Yeah they will be moving to another country after you listen to this *BEEP* Murray……. “Congratulations on your truly mediocre season in the Featherlite Modified Series.”……. I finished second in the championship….. 44 points behind the champion ……. And I was screwed out of the championship……. “Mediocre season”….. A big *BEEP* you Al…….

It goes on Murray…… “We here at Big Al’s have always dreamed of having a champion team, but since our boss is so cheap you’re the best we can hope to get.”…… What???….. You think im a cheap Dick????…….. No way……. *BEEP* you again Al……

It continues Murray…… “We can only offer $20,000 but all you need to do to earn it is finished the season in 15th place or better.”……


The disrespectful sponsorship offer…….


Let me give you some advice “Big Al”……. Number one…… Dont talk *BEEP* about a potential business partner in the pitch letter…….. Second dont let the edgelord high school intern type you “professional” letters……. And number three…… Dont ever…… Ever….. Low ball a Dick…….

Murray Eastlake: Well we have never had anyone call out a rejected sponsor on this show before……. You certainly like being the first to do things Dick……

Dick Trickle: What can I say Murray…….. A Dick always comes first………

Murray Eastlake: You have a way with words Dick……. So I take it with the Infogrames Flaming Dick Machine sitting there that you will continue in the Weekly Racing Dirt Series this year???……

Dick Trickle: Yes I will continue to do both series juts like last year…… Infogrames has stayed on as the primary sponsor………. There is no reason to stop yet…… The extra money from the Weekly Dirt Racing Series is really helpful in building up this team…… I hope to expand even further going forward so I need all the winnings I can get right now…….

Murray Eastlake: What does your wife Pussy Galore thing of all this???…… She doesnt get tired of all the travelling she had to do with you???……

Dick Trickle: No not at all….. Shes loves it…… As you saw several times last year she really gets into it……… And loves to be involved…… She also enjoys the perks of spending the night with a winning Dick….. Its the only time I enjoy not coming first…….

Murray Eastlake: Well we are almost out of time….. Do you have any final words for your competitors and fans for the upcoming seasons???…..

Dick Trickle: Yes……. I do……. Jason Sulivan….. You better enjoying every second you are the champion because it will be a VERY short reign……. Because this Dick is going to be a LOOOOONG champion….. And it will start at the end of this upcoming season…….

As for the fans….. Dont get too excited to see a repeat championship battle……. I am going to continue to win and I will dominate the Featherlite Modified Series just like I am doing in the Weekly Dirt Racing Series……… You have all been warned……..

Murray Eastlake: Well there you have it folks……. We are out of time….. Thank you for having us Dick….. And good luck next season…….

Dick Trickle: No worries Murray….. And thank you…… I look forward to hearing you call me the 2005 Featherlite Modified Series Champion……..

Thats all from this special off season edition of Left Turn Heaven….. The racing action will be back next week as Left Turn Heaven will be exclusively bringing you all the heart stopping action from the 2005 Featherlite Modified Series..…

Dick Trickle will be looking to go one better than last year……. Jason Sulivan will be looking to stay champion and William Anderson will be looking to reclaim the championship……..

Next week the Featherlite Modified Series will be at Dennison Speedrome……. Can Dick Trickle start the year off with a win???……. Or will Jason Sulivan kick off his title defence with a solid result???…… Can William Anderson reclaim top spot???…….. Or will another hungry driver climb the ranks and steal the win in the opening round of the season???…...

Tune in next week for the answers to all these questions and more….. You wont want to miss a single moment of what is sure to be a sensational season…...

This is Murray Eastlake reporting for Left Turn Heaven..... And until next time its goodbye from me.…

This series has still been awesome to do every week…… Last season was fantastic with the game giving me heaps of material to work with….. I dont think it will be as good next season….. But I will do my best as always to keep it as entertaining as possible…… And if not…. I will just pretend im a writer for Saints Row: The Third and just throw in another Dick joke……. That always works…….


End of season…..





2004 Featherlite Modified Final Season Standings…..





2004 Weekly Dirt Racing Final Season Standings…..



Grinch Performance primary sponsorship offer







All other primary sponsorship offers


2005 Grinch Performance Modified Flaming Dick Machine……



2005 Infogrames Flaming Dick Machine…...



The office area…….



The garage area…….



2005 season…..


***INTERMISSION……...***
Because whizse has a small bladder…….


Paris-Dakar Rally…...



The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental…… DUN DUN.......

Before Dakar 2: The World's Ultimate Rally……. There was Paris-Dakar Rally………. Be afraid……. Be very afraid……..

The graphics…… They are the best part of the game….. They look really nice…… The terrain looks nice and the vehicle modelling is very well done as well…… The textures are a bit on the low res side but its a PS2…… You expect that……… The colours are bright and shiny like a bag of Doritos and louder than a Bomberman Fangirl…….. Overall the graphics get a big thumbs up……. And that will be the last thumbs up this game gets……… Its like the art department was the only department that gave a shit……...

The sounds……. Wow……. Where do I start???…… The engine sounds are woeful……. The music is dreadful….. The navigator is harder to understand than a bomberman fangirl with a mouth full of Doritos……. The sounds are all over the place…… And none of it is any good……. And that loading screen music is worse than Chariots Of Fire…...

The controls……. Are so bad you will wonder if your controller is broken…… Its really that bad……. The vehicles are more twitchy than a Bomberman Fangirl on a strict Mountain Dew diet……… They have no weight……. Bounce all over the place…… And roll like a soccer ball….. Its absolutely no fun to drive at all in this game……. A driving game where the driving is not fun……. You see a problem here right???……...

The storyline….. Well there is no storyline… So I get to make one up again……. April O’Neil is in the desert looking for the missing Master Splinter……… When she is kidnapped by a crazed Bomberman Fangirl…….. And taken to her secret hideout…… The Mountain Dew factory…….. Where April discovers Master Splinter trapped in a vat of Mountain Dew...... And its now up to to Ninja Turtles to rescue April O’Neil and Master Splinter before they dissolve…...

The gameplay is pretty simple……. Get from Point A to Point B in the shortest time possible……. But its not that easy…….. As the controls fight you every step of the way……. You would need weeks of practise to get use the controls in this game……. Much you like would take you weeks to get use to a Bomberman Fangirl munching on Doritos and slurping on Mountain Dew……

There are around 40 stages in this game and exactly zero of them are worth playing……. And the music on the loading screen is the most horrid music ive ever heard…… And you will hear it before the start of every stage……… Its enough to drive you crazy……. You will be wishing for Chariots Of Fire before the end of the game…….

There are also many spelling errors and terrible English throughout the game…… For example I finished the Paris-Dakar Rally in “113st Place”…….

Overall…….. This game is complete shite…….. Even a Bomberman Fangirl high on Doritos dust couldnt find anything positive to say about this game besides the nice graphics…….. sounds are woeful……. Controls are atrocious….. The gameplay is both frustrating and boring……. It is a terrible game thats not worth playing even for a second…….

And that is why my final score for a Paris-Dakar Rally is a Doritos Pope out of 10……… A fitting punishment…...

This game is so bad its gets the official GOL rating of CC……. No not the Australia corn chips……. CC stands for C.Rap Clowns…… For the worst of the worst video games……. And this game is absolutely a worst of the worst…….


Paris-Dakar Rally…..


The Road To PES Penguin 6


The road to unlock the PES Penguin in Pro Evolution Soccer 6 is at 300 PES points out of 5000……….


Rugby 08 World Cup……..


Australia vs Fiji

(Well the real Australian Wallabies have been knocked out of the Rugby World Cup and will not advance past the pool stage for the first time in Rugby World Cup history……. Can the virtual Wallabies do better???……..)

As the heavy rain fell to start the match…….. Australia had a point to prove after the sloppy play against Wales last week……. And Fiji was in trouble early on when Australia held the ball for a solid 10 straight minutes before scoring their first try……

The Wallabies excellent ball retention in the rucks was starving Fiji of possession…… As the Wallabies rumbled the ball down the field from the kickoff return to score their second try……. And put Fiji well and truly on the back foot…….

The only way Fiji could get the ball off Australia in the first half was by disrupting the ruck just enough to trap the ball and getting a scrum feed……. And even then Australia would force a turn over soon after……

This tactic was also causing Fiji to rack up the penalties and gifting Australia excellent field position……. If Fiji keep this up they could get a yellow card for to many penalties..…..

Australia was playing perfect wet weather rugby keeping the ball in close and using their forwards to slowly moving the ball cross the advantage line…… The rain was hindering the Fijians as they wernt able to play their flashy style of rugby with the wet field and wet ball……

Australia led 42-0 at half time…….. Totally dominating the game with 89% of possession in the first half…….

The second half didnt change for Fiji……. As Australia got a quick turnover and scored another try within the first three minutes of the second half…….

Fiji was well and truly out of the match when the penalty count finally caught up with them and Jone Qovu was shown the yellow card for hands in the ruck to many times in the 71st minute…… Meaning Fiji would be a man down for the rest of the game…..

Australia took full advantage of Fiji being a man down and ran in 4 quick tires in the last 9 minutes to secure a totally dominating performance winning 91-0….. Answering the call to play better rugby after last weeks performance……..

This now secures Australia the stop spot in Pool B with 1 pool game left to play…….. And they will be in the quarter finals no matter what the result is next week…...

Next match will be Australia vs Canada…..





Game Action



Final Score



Match Stats






Pool Standings Week Three


The Best Worst Ad I Saw During College Football…...

This week I saw this Jersey Mike’s ad…… Its quite disturbing…….. I also didnt know Danny had fallen on such hard times that he needed to resort to this for money……...


Next week…… Its going to warm up more and then cool down again and rain for a few days apparently…… So I dont think much will be happening here…….. A nice quiet week of doing as little and possible…….

As for gaming there will be more hardcore modified Dick Trickle racing action in NASCAR: Dirt to Daytona……. Getting lost in a desert in Dakar 18…….. More PES Penguin 6…….. Rugby World Cup in Rugby 08……… And im going on strike……..

Well thats it from me…… Hope all you tuxers have a good week……

Now for my bad joke of the week……
Q: whats the difference between a snow man and a snow woman????........
A: Snow balls.......
*ba dum.... tssssh…...*